There are many things in our society right now that can cause us to voice our opinion and create sides.
We have all seen videos and blogs about ideas on what to filter your words through before they pass your lips. Have you thought about this for your marriage?
Respectful communication is key and is one of our pillars in our coaching. As many of you know part of my and Josh’s B.L.E.N.D. framework is the “E” which stands for effective communication.
Go with your G.U.T.
Is it Good?
Is it Useful?
Is it True?
Is it Good?
Do you have good communication in your relationship? Are you approaching your spouse to tell them something they have done? When you are talking about your spouse to someone else, is it good? In all things, we should be edifying our spouse. I know you are asking – “So, what do I do when I am upset about something Kristy? Everything can’t always be good!”
This is just not true. If you are upset with your spouse you can approach them and say “I appreciate you and respect you, but when you did (insert hurtful thing here) it hurt me/my feelings.” You can make a good approach to a hard topic.
One time Josh and I went golfing with all of our kids and our son-in-law. Luke (the son-in-law) was getting ready to swing and in his back swing I, who does not care about golf so I didn’t think about back swings, yells “Graden do you want these chips?!?!?!” Josh immediately swings around and glares at me and yells “Do not talk in his back swing!!!!”
This embarrassed me and hurt me because we don’t talk to each other with screaming.
Come to find out Luke didn’t even care and Josh came over and apologized to me a few minutes later. At that moment would it have helped if I said “I don’t care if you’re sorry. You do not talk to me that way!” No, it wouldn’t have. I did say – ” thank you for apologizing, but it really hurt my feelings so it is going to take me a little bit to get over that. I will get over it, but you just need to give me a little bit”.
In this conversation, it accomplished a couple of things – Josh really did feel bad and he apologized which then, in turn, helped me “get over it” quicker than if he hadn’t.
He also respected the fact that I was angry and people can’t just drop being angry anymore from an apology. I needed a little bit to process through and then I was fine. This is good communication.
Is it Useful?
Are you approaching your spouse to speak with them about something to improve your relationship? Let’s face the facts here, sometimes we just want to be mad. We don’t want to forgive right away.
Get over yourself and go to your spouse with something useful. We don’t purposefully hurt each other and there is always a way to approach a situation with curiosity to look for a way to improve it. That is useful. What about if you are annoyed by the way your spouse chews food? It is not useful to tell them that they are annoying when they eat when there is nothing that they can do about it. All that is going to accomplish is making them self-conscious around you when they eat.
Is it True?
This is a large part of all of this because it encompasses so many things. Are you using infinite terms in your communication? You never do this! You always do this! Every time you do this!
This type of talk is untrue and if you are using those terms (which I do and am working on personally) you need to work on removing that form of communication. If you start to have thoughts about your spouse like “He probably doesn’t even like my body anymore.” “She probably is getting dressed up to get other guys to look at her.”
These are untrue thoughts that you need to capture immediately and start thinking truths. My spouse and I are best friends and love being together. They wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else and love and respect me and our relationship.
When it comes to all aspects of your marriage – your thoughts – your communication with each other – and your communication about each other to others, remember to go with your G.U.T.
Is it Good? Is it Useful? Is it True? Can you answer – Yes it is good, yes it is useful, and yes it is true.
Check out the episode here on our website or anywhere that podcasts are streamed.
Remember we love you and God loves you…..