Do you ever find yourself arguing with your spouse and wondering if you’re doing it the right way? It’s totally normal to feel that way! Arguing can be tough, but it’s an important part of any marriage. So, let’s talk about how to do it right.

Here are 3 essential tips for arguing in a way that helps strengthen your marriage:

Avoid Personal Attacks

When you’re upset, it’s easy to start attacking your spouse’s character or behavior. But here’s the thing: it’s not helpful. In fact, it usually makes things worse. So, instead of saying “you’re so selfish,” try saying “I feel hurt when you don’t consider my needs.” See the difference? By focusing on the specific behavior or action that’s causing the problem, you’re more likely to find a resolution that works for both of you.

Listen and Validate

It’s so important to really listen to your spouse during an argument. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, it’s significant to show that you understand where they’re coming from and that their feelings are valid. So, if your spouse says something like “I feel like you never listen to me,” try responding with “I hear you, and I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel that way.” It might seem small, but showing that you’re listening and validating their feelings can make a big difference in how the argument plays out.

Find a Solution Together

The end goal of any argument in a marriage should be to find a solution that works for both of you. Remember, you’re a team! So, instead of trying to “win” the argument, focus on finding a resolution that helps you both move forward positively. Brainstorm together and be open to compromise. You might not find a solution right away, but if you’re both willing to work together, you’ll get there eventually.

Here are some scenarios:

Scenario 1: Your spouse forgot your anniversary

You’re understandably upset, and you want to let your spouse know how hurt you are. Instead of saying “you’re so thoughtless,” try saying “I feel hurt that you forgot our anniversary. It’s important to me, and I was looking forward to celebrating it with you.” This lets your spouse know how you’re feeling without attacking them personally. From there, you can work together to come up with a plan to make it up to you.

Scenario 2: Your spouse doesn’t help out around the house

You feel like you’re doing all the work when it comes to household chores, and you’re fed up. Instead of saying “you’re lazy,” try saying “I feel overwhelmed with all the housework. Can we come up with a plan to split it more evenly?” This acknowledges the issue without attacking your spouse’s character, and it opens up a dialogue for finding a solution that works for both of you.

Scenario 3: Your spouse wants to spend money on something you don’t agree with

You and your spouse have different ideas about how to spend your money, and it’s causing tension. Instead of saying “you’re so irresponsible with money,” try saying “I’m worried about how this purchase will affect our finances. Can we talk more about it and come up with a plan together?” This shows that you’re willing to listen to their perspective, and it opens up a conversation about finding a compromise.

Here are a few more tips to help you argue effectively in your marriage:

Take a break if you need it

Sometimes, arguments can get heated, and it’s important to take a break if you need it. It’s okay to say “I need a few minutes to cool down” and come back to the conversation when you’re both feeling calmer. Taking a break can help prevent things from getting out of hand and give you both time to think about what you want to say.

Use “I” statements

Using “I” statements can help you express how you’re feeling without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying “you’re always so rude,” try saying “I feel hurt when you speak to me in that tone of voice.” This lets your spouse know how you’re feeling without attacking them personally.

Don’t bring up old arguments

When you’re arguing, it’s tempting to bring up past arguments and use them as ammunition. But this isn’t helpful and can make things worse. Try to focus on the issue at hand and avoid bringing up old arguments that have already been resolved.

Stay focused on the present

Similarly, it’s important to stay focused on the present. Don’t bring up things that happened months or even years ago. Stick to the issue at hand and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Apologize when necessary

If you say something hurtful during an argument, it’s important to apologize. Saying “I’m sorry” can go a long way in repairing the damage and moving forward. It takes a lot of maturity to admit when you’re wrong, but it’s an important part of any healthy relationship.

Arguing in a marriage can be tough, but it’s a necessary part of any healthy relationship. By avoiding personal attacks, listening and validating your spouse, and working together to find a solution, you can turn arguments into opportunities for growth and strengthen your relationship in the process. Remember to take breaks if you need them, use “I” statements, stay focused on the present, and apologize when necessary. With these tips in mind, you’ll be well on your way to arguing effectively in your marriage.

Remember, we love you and God loves you.