As marriage coach’s, we’ve seen couples struggle with the balance between loving support and controlling behavior. It’s natural to want to help your spouse be the best they can be, but sometimes our actions can come across as controlling, which can have a negative impact on our relationships. In this blog post, we’ll share three actionable steps to becoming a better spouse without trying to control your partner. By following these tips, you’ll create a healthier, more balanced relationship that both partners can thrive in.

Cultivate Open and Honest Communication

One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is open and honest communication. It’s essential to express your needs, concerns, and emotions without fear of judgment or backlash.

Use ‘I’ Statements

A common mistake people make when communicating with their spouse is using accusatory language. Instead, try using ‘I’ statements to express your feelings without making your partner feel attacked. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel unheard when we’re discussing important topics.”

Practice Active Listening

Being a good listener is just as crucial as expressing yourself clearly. Active listening involves giving your full attention to your partner and responding with empathy and understanding. This can be as simple as nodding or saying “uh-huh” to show you’re engaged. Remember to avoid interrupting or immediately offering solutions – sometimes your spouse just needs a listening ear.

Schedule Regular Check-ins

Having open and honest communication doesn’t happen by accident. Schedule regular check-ins with your spouse to discuss your feelings, needs, and desires. These conversations will help you both stay on the same page and prevent misunderstandings.

Understand Your Spouse’s Love Languages

Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages are a great tool to help couples understand each other’s unique ways of expressing and receiving love. By learning your partner’s love language, you can better support them without trying to control their behavior.

Learn Their Love Language

The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Talk to your spouse about their love language and identify ways you can express love in a way that resonates with them.

Show Love in Their Language

Once you know your spouse’s love language, make a conscious effort to express love in that way. For example, if their love language is acts of service, take some time to help with household chores or cook their favorite meal.

Re-evaluate and Adjust

People change, and so do their love languages. Regularly check in with your spouse to see if their love language has shifted or if they have new preferences. This will ensure that you continue to support them in the most effective way possible.

Respect Boundaries and Foster Independence

A key component of a healthy relationship is respecting each other’s boundaries and fostering independence. This allows both partners to grow and flourish as individuals while maintaining a strong, loving connection.

Discuss Boundaries

Have an open conversation with your spouse about your individual boundaries. This may include topics like personal space, privacy, and socializing with friends. By understanding each other’s limits, you can avoid inadvertently crossing boundaries and creating tension in your relationship.

Encourage Personal Growth

One of the best ways to be a better spouse without controlling your partner is by encouraging their personal growth. Support your spouse’s hobbies, interests, and goals by showing genuine interest and offering encouragement. Remember that you both are individuals with unique paths, and it’s essential to nurture your separate passions while maintaining your connection as a couple.

Maintain Your Own Independence

It’s equally important to maintain your independence in a relationship. Pursue your interests, maintain friendships, and take time for self-care. This will not only make you a happier, more fulfilled person, but also bring more positivity and balance to your relationship.


Becoming a better spouse without trying to control your partner is possible and can lead to a healthier, happier relationship. By cultivating open and honest communication, understanding your spouse’s love languages, and respecting boundaries while fostering independence, you’ll create a supportive and loving environment in which both partners can grow and thrive.

Remember, every relationship is unique, and it’s essential to continually reassess and adjust your strategies for being a better spouse. Keep an open mind and always be willing to learn and grow together. With patience, understanding, and commitment, you’ll build a strong foundation for a lasting, loving partnership.

We hope you find this post helpful on your journey to becoming a better spouse without controlling your partner. If you have any questions or would like personalized advice, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us. As marriage coach’s, we are here to support you and your partner in cultivating a healthy, loving relationship.

And remember, God loves you and we love you.

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About the Author Josh

Defending those that can't. Loving the difficult. Serving the one true God.

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